02/18/2002 Entry: "valentines day thoughts"

an excerpt from my journal. this was what i thought about all valentines day. the scene: a new years party not long ago. the actors: the girl i'll always secretly want but will never have and me (the loser).

"2 or 3 yards away. through the crowd. there she was. i stood there. not knowing what to do. panicking each second. breathing hard. staring right at her. she sees me. what to do. go to her? run away? palms sweaty, eyes glued to hers. breathing harder. she makes her way towards me, through the crowd. all i could see was her. sweat was on my forehead now. palms dripping. couldn't breathe at all. then. she stops short. and looks away. i could tell she was still looking at me in the corner of her eye. she stood there. waiting. for me. i stood there. alone. i gulped down hard and walked toward her. she turned to me. she started walking towards me as well, looking down to the ground. i couldn't help but stare at her beautiful face. we kept walking towards each other. through the crowd. ignoring all others. she was all i could see. all i wanted to see. she didn't look up until she was right in front of me. then without a word from either me or herself, we hugged. one long awaited embrace. a hug that was felt all over. her body close to mine. her smell in my nose. i tingled all over. that hug seemed to last forever. i said happy new year quietly into her ear. she whispered it back. quietly. nothing else was going on in the world but that hug. i could've sworn i felt my heart beating, racing right through her and to my fingertips around her back. or was that her heart? she was so warm. and soft. small. and delicate. like a butterfly. we kept hugging. it seemed like forever, and i wished it true. but. it was no more than a second in time. afterwards, we just looked at each other for a second. and i smiled. she smiled back. that one beautiful, perfect smile. and we just walked away..."