31 May 2002
Dejavu.
Woke up. Still feel empty. Not as empty. Just... Not as whole. A little misguided as well. A guru told me I'd get over it. Thanks J. Didn't do much. Just sat about feeling sorry for myself. Watched T.V. And. Hit the weights. Mer says. He does his best thinking in the pew. J says. His are in the shower. Or. Before bed. Or. On the John. }Not Gaul.{. Mine might be on the bench. So. I lifted. And. Thought. And. Thought. And. When I couldn't think. I thought some more. When you're just lifting. A set seems to take forever. But. Focus on something that's not lifting. And. You knock out a whole rep without even thinking about it. Why. Why is anything anything. Today is prom day for the Pilots. They all seemed stoked. I remember when I was stoked too. Now. It's not that big of a deal. It seems. But. I know I didn't always feel that way. I hope they all have magic. And. If not. Something close to it. Retrospect makes you realize. What you go through isn't something just you go through. Probably a billion people went through it already. And. A billion people will go through it after you. Think about it.
30 May 2002
unreal.
It's like. Having someone come over. And. Kick you in the stomach. You can't breathe. Can't move. Can't even think. So. You just sit back. And. Watch it happen. There's nothing you can do. And. If there was. You probably wouldn't feel like doing it. So. You're forced to watch. Because. You can't turn your head. Because. It feels restrained. And. Your eyelids are nonexistent. Even looking away won't work. Because. Everywhere you look. It's there. Then. You feel. Cold. And. Hopeless. And. Helpless. And. Empty. And. Blank. And. An overwhelming feeling of despair. And. You don't know what to do anymore. Because. You just don't. Nothing is the way it should be. And. You get what you get. Not what you expect. The stuff you used to fall back on. Turns it back on you. Because. You turned your back on it. So. You feel so alone. You can't even say. You're just one person. Or. It could be worse. It's like complaining about not having shoes. When. Someone else doesn't even have feet. And. You keep getting knocked down. And. Managing to get up. But. Sometimes. Quitting seems like the only option. And. It's like a backwards world. Little things seem like crisis. And. Major stuff. Just makes you want to stop caring. Nothing seems to have meaning. And. Daily activities. Are just going through the motions. Sad. Scared. Incomplete.
26 May 2002
get it together
so. i've decided in my mind i should try harder with this job thing.
so i will. i need to help out with this finance thing. pay david back japan trip money.
get some money for college and build this future.
i figure i have to find a full-time job for the summer and then try get a part time job next to that job
so i can get more hours.
my aunt can get me a part time job at walmart so... eh.
should call rob about dairy queen or perhaps just visit. and while i'm at work.
think of things. and work. at least to par. because we need to experience as much as we can
in order to really know what we're saying. what we're talking about when we talk so much.
what do i know about? dreamers. slackers. child minds. there's not much more beautiful than a person with a world in their eyes.
what don't i know about? how to fix a car engine. plumbing. the average plasticity of a dairy queen blizzard. what exactly is astrophysics. how to bust a good rhyme. how to speak japanese. how to make friends in a foreign country. who really was the first person to invent the ice cream cone. if jesus really did all that stuff people say he did. if buddha really did all that stuff people say he did. whether or not to be on the left side or the right side when i make that u-turn on chesapeake blvd past david's house. candice's last name. or. candace? how to say hello. to stop worrying so much. to start acting on my decisions more to really make them decisions.
21 May 2002
haley joel osment
fourtracksoffury: i dunno. i figured he was a liar. and i didn't care enough about justin timberlake to persue an interogation.
fourtracksoffury: pursue. i knew i spelt that wrong.
aCLoudyWednesday: lol.
fourtracksoffury: drats! i'll never win...
aCLoudyWednesday: never win what?
fourtracksoffury: the spelling bee.
fourtracksoffury: year after year i continually lose.
fourtracksoffury: to that haley joel osment looking kid. i swear he's a robot with spell check for a brain.
so here's a song i wrote about haley joel osment- child star... or teen heartthrob?
with round robot eyes
and an artificial heart
and an artificial mind
he sets out in the world
not sure what to find
only believing that he'd get there if he just tried.
alongside with his supercomputer bear
and a mechanical gigolo, he met on the way,
with slicked back artificial hair.
who could see the events that would play?
some say he would have been a good anakin skywalker.
i disagree when they say he would have made an excellent harry potter.
20 May 2002
the wonder years.
strange how you think you've grown up a lot. well. how i thought i've grown up a lot. and then something happens and you feel like you haven't grown up at all. because. somethings stay the same. well. anyway... how was your day? my day started out as usual. took my little sister to school. then slept some more. applied to super k-mart. mowed the lawn. and then.
ashley showed up at my door.
i'm so glad she's happy.
and i'm happy too.
i was right about the episode II thing.
what a good summer.
19 May 2002
prime numbers.
according to mayan mythology and a frightenly accurate calender based on astronomy and astrology, the world as we know it will come to an end december 12, 2012.
is that something i believe?
no. it's something interesting to me though.
the world as we know it is constantly coming to end at any given moment because it is constantly changing.
and here i am on a computer.
earlier i was watching "andromeda", star of "hercules".
then.
two episodes of the simpsons and the final episode of the x-files.
why do i feel for fictional characters or feel that need to watch their lives?
in the end it is fleeting.
poor mulder. poor scully. poor gibson praise.
and then i saw a preview for "that 70s show". the episodes i watched, i liked
but i never kept watching. they are like the kids that are too cool for me to hang out with so i didn't.
donna was so hot eric might kick my ass or luke wilson or kelso.
but if i remember, i will watch it this tuesday.
what was i talking about again?
i'm scared.
about what i should be doing. when you think about the end effect of things. what will the world be like 20 years from now. and for the children who will have to live in it.
who worries about these things other than humans?
16 May 2002
episode II. ATTACK OF NOSTALGIA. where is ashley?
so. yeah. today i saw ATTACK OF THE CLONES. how come they don't make cool title things. remember like in empire strikes back they had the cool logo with the rectangle around it. but not these ones. they just have that font.
but yeah. a nice film. nostalgiac. and it's great to see the origin of the boba fett.
well. i saw episode I with ashley. back then i figured i'd still know her now and we'd watch this one together.
but that's not true. i wonder if she will see it. she knows i'm a huge fan of the bounty hunter known as boba fett so if she watches it i think i will cross her mind. i miss her. she's married now. i hope she's happy. it's like a pulp song, you know?
so. maybe she'll randomly search for things on the internet and find me. i try search for things and hope to find a little piece of her that she left for someone to find.
either way. it was a good movie.
10 May 2002
el retorno del jedi
i'm back in norfolk...
well. to more important things...
my friend was told by a fortune teller he would die at the age of 35 from a car accident.
of course that was a lie.
i mean.
he did die at the age of 35 but it was from being murdered.
in his own house.
sometimes i think about what a sick coincidence that is.
and how much of a crock that stupid fortune teller is.
or.
how maybe the fortune teller just didn't want to tell him that he was going to be murdered.
9 May 2002
yeah yeah yeah
yay. school is done. only 3 more years to go. woo hoo. i got a b- in calculus. jay and lex are coming back. i got some cool songs by the specials and 2 unlimited and bang and x-treme. some groups that have songs on ddr.
i got a fun game for my palm phone called space trader. i'm mad though, i bought a sweet ship and a laser and i was beating up pirates and everything. and then i fought a pirate that destroyed my ship, so i lost all my cargo and i had to use the escape pod and now i'm stuck with a stupid little ship. and after all that work i did.
i tried to see spiderman this past weekend. but since my friend is stupid we weren't there early enough and most of the show times were sold out. maybe this weekend.
oh yeah i also did a lot of sleeping. in fact, a lot is an understatement.
8 May 2002
it ended with a song.
it's the end of my freshman year of college. remember when i first got here [older journal. look at the bottom for last entry]? so. i forget. i remember leaving jim and justin's room singing some crappy song. and i said to myself... outloud... i can't leave their room singing such a crappy song. so i made a new better song recapping some key moments of this year... [awww.].\ ryan already left. it's kinda strange. going back some more in my day. achronological writing is the way to go, i kicked arse on my art history exam. i studied. and then hung out with sallie keena of "children of the mind". she's not famous or anything. she's a friend of mine here at vcu, though we haven't got to hang out much. anyway. we made a song together today and i quite like it. i like it a lot actually. maybe i'll put that up on the website. so yeah. i'm trying to make new stuff to make a new collection of songs... back to the end of this year. man. i'm going to miss lots of people. not everyone. that would be a lie. it's nice but sad too. i've grown up a little from being here. but then at the same time, i found another piece of my childhood. we live so many lives in one lifetime.
it ended with a song.
it's the end of my freshman year of college. remember when i first got here [older journal. look at the bottom for last entry]? so. i forget. i remember leaving jim and justin's room singing some crappy song. and i said to myself... outloud... i can't leave their room singing such a crappy song. so i made a new better song recapping some key moments of this year... [awww.].\ ryan already left. it's kinda strange. going back some more in my day. achronological writing is the way to go, i kicked arse on my art history exam. i studied. and then hung out with sallie keena of "children of the mind". she's not famous or anything. she's a friend of mine here at vcu, though we haven't got to hang out much. anyway. we made a song together today and i quite like it. i like it a lot actually. maybe i'll put that up on the website. so yeah. i'm trying to make new stuff to make a new collection of songs... back to the end of this year. man. i'm going to miss lots of people. not everyone. that would be a lie. it's nice but sad too. i've grown up a little from being here. but then at the same time, i found another piece of my childhood. we live so many lives in one lifetime.
