I forgot to say this a ways back. But. I cut the grass. And. The next day. I saw this renegade patch of grass. Except. It's not grass. It's that oniony smelling grass. But. It's the only patch in the lawn. Kinda like a cowlick. And. I keep seeing that patch. And. I want to obliterate it. But. With good background music. Maybe mini Little Jon could come out. And. Yell at it. And. Lean back. Or. Mo double oh bee dee double e pee. Could bring out the matic clips. That's how a rapper would cut his grass.

This text. Specific category. Isn't just to complain. Rather. It's so that you can read it. And. Realize how oblivious you are to things you're doing yourself. Which. Isn't your fault. If everyone knew what they were doing wrong. And. Could correct it. I think things would run a lot smoothly.

Oh man. This is vintage. Here's some text I wrote when I used to work at the movie theatre. It's not the exact text. I updated it some. But. Since. I'm not affiliated with the theatre anymore. I think I can write this. If you do enough detective work. You can tell where I used to work. Jay. Was there too. This list applies to any place where the requirements to work there are low. Like. You either have to be super available. Or. You managed to not be a moron for the interview. And. The requirements to be a customer are even lower. I think you just need to be able to breathe. And. Have money.

Here they are in no particular order.

Things that suck about work.

1. People who complain about the prices. Granted it is a bajillion dollars for popcorn. And. Just as crazy for soda. But. I'm just a pawn in the larger bureaucracy. I can't do anything about it. And. You can't either.

2. People who complain the line takes to long. Usually the same moron. I can say moron. The same moron complaining about the line taking forever. Is the same indecisive idiot who doesn't know what they want. See number 3. So. Basically. They want the line to go faster. So. They can officially use up there time. Don't get on my case about not being quick enough. Just to slow me down. If you have your order ready. Exact change. And. The money handed to me not crumpled up. Then. You could make a case for me being slow. But. That's highly unlikely.

Oh man. Then. There's the people who don't get ordering protocol. I'll be finishing up with the previous idiot. And. They'll start rattling off an order. And. It's not a short one either. It'll be like. I need a jabillion bags of popcorn. 2/3 of those bags need to be a quarter buttered. And. The remaining one third needs to be layered. And. Of those layered bags. Ignore the top layer of butter for half. Then. I repeat it back to them. And. They get mad. Dude. If I didn't do that. Then they'd get mad. Because. They'd say I forgot their Diet coke with a shot of Sprite and Fruit Punch and Regular coke not much ice. Which. They didn't say.

Customers who don’t pay attention. Like. They gotta be on a cell phone. Because. Being on the phone is more important than making sure their order is right. Like. I guess you must be some sorta important doctor. Or. Something. Where the fate of the world depends on that conversation. Because. They slow it down. For the next idiot on a cell phone behind them.

3. People who have no idea what they want. Seriously. As long as they’ve been in line. How do you not know what you want??? You already complained about the prices. So. You're within a budget apparently. So. That should limit your choices. Also. It's a F LI CKIN movie theatre. There's a staple of movie theatre foods. Popcorn. Soda. Candy. Nachos. Hot Dogs. And. If you're going to the one where I worked. You should obviously not expect much. And. If you weren’t on your phone. You could probably concentrate on figuring out what you want.

And. The opposite of people who have no idea. Is. The people who are super picky. It's like. Oh man there looks to be some popcorn shooting out of that machine over there. I'm fairly certain it's hot. Go over there. And. Get that kind. Because. It's "fresh." Yeah. Just like the popcorn behind me that is also just as fresh. So. Then. I do that. And. The person behind. Them. Wants the same thing. So. Basically. I'm getting popcorn out of someone else's popper. And. Mine just sits there. Like. If people want to just be fooled. I should make a machine that agitates already popped popcorn. And. Heats it up. So. It looks "fresh" all the time.

People who think it's a different theatre. So. You come to the one I work. And. Then. Make references to a place that isn't this place. I don't go to McDonald's asking for Whoppers.

People who talk like you don’t understand English. But. It's really they are who are they are who the dummies. Ok. That was a crazy sentence. It's really them that are stupid. Rather than a simple. Can you layer the butter. They go into a slow motion. Caaaan yoou puuut sooome popcornnnn in??? then. the. butttteerrr. Then. moreeee popcorrnn. Then. You say. You mean? Layer? And. They go. No. I want it with popcorn. Then. Butter. Then. Popcorn. So. You realize you can't argue with that person. Because. They are stupid. They are stupid. And. Don't forget they are stupid.

What about this. It's close to closing time. Everyone is closing down. And. Someone wants some instant hot popcorn. But. They get mad that it's cold. Which is what usually happens when something isn't near heat. Like. I wonder if this person has to go to the hospital a lot. Because. They don't get that concept. And. They eat stuff right off the stove. Or. They chug coffee like it's beer.

Part of this. Is. The register is closed. Doesn't make sense. Like. They see the food. They see the register. But. they don't get their is no drawer in there. And. They. Try to go. I have exact change. It doesn't matter. The transaction still has to be recorded. Otherwise. I wouldn't need the register. I'd be standing there making money off their stuff.

And. Little kids. What's the deal with that. Minors are kidiots. They can't talk loud enough. And. The below average intelligence adult customers get confused if you give them an option. What do you think is gonna happen to a little kid? Their head is gonna blow up. That's what. Like. Little kids should not be handling money. They give wrong amounts. Forget their change. And. If they make it past the ordering stage. They. Have little hands. And. No coordination. How are they gonna make it to their theatre without making a mess I'm going to have to clean up? They're not. That's how.

Why do people complain about the courtesy cup size? That’s why it’s called courtesy. We don’t have to give you one. But we’re being nice enough to give you something. And. Free. You apparently don’t want to spend any money. So. You should be glad you’re getting that.

Ok. So. Generally rude. Stupid. Dumb. Moron. Idiot. Fart head. Customers.

After reading this text. You're probably like. Alex. You’re a jerk. And. You think you're better then everyone else. Or you're thinking. Like Randall told Dante in "Clerks." What are you doing that's so great? To which I reply. Nothing. But. I'm not rude about it.

Because. I know I hate it when I go to a place. And. The customer I just finished complaining about. Is on the other side of the register. But. That’s a different rant article. And. Like I said before. The prerequisites to go to a place are usually less than they are to work there.

O.k. So. To make this different from most online rants. Instead of just ranting. Here’s a suggestion to address the problem.

They. I’m not sure who they are. But. Someone. Should make courtesy videos in the theatres as part of the previews. Where. They show a big fat. WRONG! And. Then. A right way to do it. But. People will be to busy on their cell phones for that.

Like. The right way would be all please. And. Thank you. You know basic public television stuff you learn.

Or. You could use some sociology. And. Tell people that all transactions are being recorded. So. They’ll act differently.

There are probably more things to do. Add your comments here. And. Maybe we can make something happen.